time goes by...

To get to the computer in the kitchen, I wade through the laundry. Burp cloths, soft baby blankets in blue and pink and Thomas the Train tshirts stained with lunch and muddy socks. I make my way to the computer, take a deep breath and have a minute to myself. I hitup Youtube for a few favorite songs and am able to have a few minutes of "ME" time. The beebs are all sleeping. Baby A and Baby B are in their room with the fan on low wearing fleece zippy jams. Sethie is lying horizontally in our bed with our favorite down comforter and Jay is tinkering in the garage with a friend on his car. Dishes are in the sink. The laundry needs to be rotated. There's a stinky stain in the downstairs toilet that has been bothering me for 2 days.
Time is going by quickly. The days are filled with whining, spit up, bottle-washing, and grilled cheese sammies. Katie's hair is whispy, falls into her eyes when I change her shirts. Isaac drools more than any other child we have. When you put him in the bouncer, he goes to town and drips and drips like he has a hole in his chin. He grins and grins, yells and hums. Katie starts up and it sounds like a squealing chorus of piglets. Sethie and Parker race their cars on the hardwoods in front of the bouncers. To the kitchen and back to the kitchen and back. The sirens and engine sounds echo and get mixed like smoke into the air with squeals and jumps. It's loud. I ask the boys to settle down. No running. Someone is going to get their finger run over. The thought crosses my mind to get the crayons. I'm packing the diaper bag with clean bottles and formula for the road.
Now it's quiet and I'm tired. I'm sitting here listening to sweet country songs like Miranda Lambert's "house that built me" and James Taylor's "Sweet Baby James." I think about how tomorrow maybe I'll have a little more patience. Maybe tomorrow I'll get down on the floor and race cars. Maybe tomorrow I'll peel the wrapper off of a crayon. Just last week, before going to work Sethie and I went for a walk to the mailbox..just the two of us. I found some crunchy leaves for him to jump on and talked with him about the leaves and autumn. I told him that it was my favorite time of the the year. I told him that I loved him. I squeezed him. He ran as fast as he could back to the house from the mailbox. I looked up to the sky and thanked my god for this place in my life. I thanked him for fixing the broken place in my heart from long ago. I thanked him for the crisp air. In fact, I don't find myself asking god for much. I find myself saying thank you an awful lot. Little baby acorns, the pretty little pink things we have for my Katie. I thank him for the way Isaac Reid squeezes and pinches the fat behind my arm when I hold him. I thank him for the way Isaac sucks his thumb the way I did as a baby. None of the others have. I find myself thanking god that Katie has 3 brothers to watch out for her and help make her strong.
You just don't think when your child is small that in a few years, you are going to look back and ask where the time went. The truth is, it goes by fast. I wish that I could carve out more time to write it down. To somehow preserve it. So, later I can pick it up and cherish it all over again. It's fall in NC. Jay just came in from the garage and I asked for a quick snuggle hug before he went back outside. He put his arms around me and I buried my forehead right in the nape of his neck and inhaled him. He is cold and warm at the same time. He smells like oil and man-deoderant. I inhale more. I am filled up. My cup is filled up. He doesn't notice the laundry. He moves the dishes from one side of the sink to the other to wash his hands. He pays no mind to them. I see his boxers peeking out of those old jeans he has on and I thank god for them too. They've been through a few years of sleepless nights, survived spitup and blowout diapers. They've been washed with cheap detergent and folded with quick hands. He has worn them when we have danced in the kitchen and he has worn them when he is too tired to take them off before crashing in the bed.
The truth is, we don't have any of this figured out really. The laundry lives from clean basket to dirty. The dishwasher runs daily.
I can't wait to breathe him in before I go to sleep. To snuggle right up to him...and fall asleep with the rise and fall of his chest. With every breath in and out I will fall asleep thinking thank you-out. Thank you- in. Thank you-out. My heart is held together with names. Jay. Seth. Katie. Isaac. Parker. The family that I always wanted. Thank you.

Ain't as good as I'm gonna get, but better than I used to be...

Beautiful things today...

Enjoy a few pictures. Happy 4th!

heartstrings

So, I'm at work. Night 3 of the week. I'll be off until Friday night. And, I have a heavy heart here. I really feel like I need to write about it to have my feelings out. But, if I honestly start right now...I think I will be a tearful, sopping mess. So, I will blog about it after I go home and have had some rest. No worries friends, it isn't anything going on with me personally. It's about a little patient that has pulled my heart out of my chest. I hope that God watches over her, loves her, wraps his arms around her and counts all of her tears. The Bible says that God knows the hairs on our heads and does hold all of our tears. He loves her. Unsure of why I am feeling this way about someone that really isn't even my patient. Amazed that I could be so moved and so vulnerable to these feelings.
Dear God in Heaven,
I hope that you hear my heart tonight. I hope that you hear my internal sobs and are holding the tears in your hands. I really hope that the circumstances that I cannot see are different that what I think that they are. I don't know why this little girl has come into my life and I don't know why I feel this longing and hurt for her. I hope that things get figured out really soon and that when she grows up, she forgets this pain.
I know that you hear me. I know that you hear me. HEAR me God, HEAR me. You said, let the children come to me. I know you love her. I know you HEAR me.
Amen.

I will blog more about this later.
I will squeeze my babies first. And thank my god for them and every.breath.they.take.

Kimmie

Sethie's Work

   Do you see the magic balls below? Let me tell you how they came about. Sethie wakes up every morning with the sun. He wakes up with work to do. He works on mixing my lotions and soaps by pouring them into the bathtub. He works on climbing in the pantry to reach the oatmeal. He works on bananas and was found to have eaten THREE the other morning (holy potassium batman!). So, you see...he works. 

    He also likes to go in my bathroom drawers. I have reminded him countless times that the drawers are "mommy's space" and that he is NOT to mess with them. He likes the colorful things, the chainy things, and the shiny things I guess. I don't know. 

    Yesterday I went to get ready for work and found these two hairties of mine hanging from the cabinet in the bathroom. A quiet sign that he had been there long before me. So, I called for him. I could hear him running from downstairs. When he reached me in the doorway of the bathroom, he gave me that grin. You know the grin. The grin that says, "you can't get mad at ME." I walked him into the bathroom, holding his arm tightly of course and pointed at the hairties hanging from my little cabinet doors. "What is THIS Sethie?" He shrugged his shoulders. No answer. So, I yelled at him, "What did mama tell you about going into MY things?!"  He shrugged his shoulders again. Now, by this point, I'm really annoyed and huffy puffy. I'm thinking to myself, "what am I going to do with this kid of mine?" Then, he says in his perfect, sweet voice, "Mom, these are your magic balls. I got them out for you so that you could see dem." 

    Like the Great Wall of China I shattered. And, I thought about rules and boundaries, respect and obedience. I thought about all of those things, then I bent down. I put my arms around him. After being quiet for a moment, I said to him, "Sethie, I have been looking everywhere for those magic balls, I sure am glad that you found them for me." He nodded his head, obviously proud of himself, smiled and ran out of the bathroom. 

   There I stood, looking at these ordinary old hair ties. I thought about how pretty and sparkly they were. I thought about how cheap they were and how they were like the ones mama used to put in my hair when I was a little girl. And, I left them there, hanging. I just cannot bear to move them. 

   This little boy of mine teaches me so much. They aren't hurting anything by being there. Sure, they aren't tucked away nice and neat. They aren't organized in my drawer where I keep all of my other hair ties. They are quite strange just being there. I mean, what would someone think that came over and saw them just hanging there? WEIRD! 

   I love this about my Sethie. I love that he gets into things. I love that he is curious. I love that he believes that these hair ties are magic. There's no harm in leaving them there. I cherish them now. You hear me? Cherish them. And here I was yelling and yelling and getting frustrated and huffing and puffing. Who gives a rip that they are there. 

   I am so thankful for Sethie. I am thankful to my hubby for helping me make him so pretty. I mean, he's pretty. And, I am thankful to my god for favoring me with all of these loves. I pray that he continues to open the eyes of my heart so that I can see things the way that my little Sethie does. Open the eyes of my heart.

Amen. 

Brewing a post

I've got an exciting post brewing over here. I'm talking really something you're going to want to read. I just need a few minutes of interrupted computer time for uploading pictures and writing. Right now, I don't have time..but soon friends. Soon.
Stay tuned!
Namaste.

Kimmie

Well-rested? NAH!

After getting off of work the other morning, like usual, I came home and crashed after a warm shower. For some reason, the shower always sucks the energy from my marrow after a long night at work. Anyways, I slept most of the day (shout-out to my hubsie) and then slept ALL night that night as well. I was also lazy yesterday and napped with Sethie. Then, I FOUND myself snuggling with him when he went to sleep. I woke up in a haze. It was dark, Isaac was crying. I looked at my phone and it was 6:30am! I must have slept all night! Now, it's 8:40am and somehow I've accomplished a load of laundry, breakfast and thinking about my next cup of coffee. Hmm...I'm wondering and hoping if I was just so behind with sleep that a few good nights really did something to me. I mean, we are talking MOTIVATED here. Well, the dishes are still clean in the dishwasher so I GUESS I could be doing that but...instead, I'm blogging. Hey, I've got priorities people.  Who do you think I am?
Meanwhile, I've been rocking out to this awesome video over and over on youtube this morning. HEY YOUTUBE, GET A REPEAT! You've probably heard a blip of the song from the new Internet Explorer commercial. The actual video is a little odd, okay downright different. Medieval if you will. Here's the link...ready, set, LAUNDRY!

Don't forget that fuzzy lint trap! Mine was extra fuzzy from the baby blankets. AWW..

 Okay, well, better than the link, the video is right there. Told you, MEDIEVAL.

You can thank me later.
Kimmie

For my babies...

Hold your head up high babies.

Harm no one babies.

Live simply babies, stick together babies.

Seek the truth babies. Just keep going babies.

Believe you can babies.

Smile a LOT babies.

Tomorrow is a new day babies.

It's okay to cry babies.

You can do WHATEVER you want babies.

I'm proud of you no matter what babies.

Have faith in the FACT that things will work out babies.

Be kind babies.

Be proud of each other and proud of yourselves babies.

Listen to others babies.

No drugs and drink in moderation babies.

Your lives have meaning babies.

If I could hold you forever in my arms, I would babies.

Don't settle for less babies.

Hold hands babies.

Don't steal, babies.

Donate time, not money babies.

Pray to your own God babies.

Know you are loved babies.

Know you are loved babies. 

Mama will forever love you, sweet babies.

Gummy Grins and Squishy Babies

Some days are easier than others. Let's face it. There are days that work out just the way you would have wanted them to. Everything runs smoothly, you make all the stoplights, you are 5 minutes early everywhere you go. There are days when not a muscle aches, not a joint is sore and not a sad thought crosses your mind. Do we expect all days to be this way? Of course.  How do we handle it when things are all a giant heaping mess? You walk into the kitchen to spilled oatmeal all over the floor, open the refrigerator to find that the milk has expired, go to make a sandwich and the bread is hard. There are days when the water takes too long to get hot, the bags in the chip bag are all crushed, your head hurts, your ankle is sore, and you are burning up hot because you wore long pants on the hottest day of the year. You check the bank account to find MUCH less money than what you thought you should have. The grey clouds that were only threatening and sleepy when you walked in to Target decide to let out BUCKETS on your head as you walk to your car on your way to a dressy dinner and your mascara runs like there's no tomorrow. Which day do you have more of? Does this depend on where you are in your life? Maybe. Does this depend on how busy you are in your life? Maybe. Is it luck? Chance? DESTINY? Do we tell ourselves those things to make ourselves feel better? To make ourselves feel less responsible? Feel deserving when things go terrific? How do we ensure that the moments that we have and REMEMBER are more of the terrific ones? How do we slow down the hands of time so that we can cherish and sop up the moments, days, weeks, years that are full of joy? How do we force ourselves to close our eyes and put it all in perspective? Maybe: Surround yourself with positive people. Only spend time with people concerned with what you're doing and where you're going. Ignore people and make them a last priority if they are always talking about your past. Schedule everything else around the things that are important to YOU. Dream a lot. Read a lot. Write a lot. Pray a lot. Accept a lot. Listen a lot. Just. Keep.Going. A LOT. Take lots and lots of pictures of things that define you or that you want to define you and have them ready at a moment's notice to pick you up when you are down. To remind you of your definition. To push away the mean things that your mind tries to tell you that you are. To recenter. To remember your purpose. Share your hardships with others so that no one walks around thinking you are perfect. Confide in your friends and let them confide in you. And, no matter what they tell you...love them anyways. In doing all of these things, find a way to love the hard moments, weeks, months, years anyways. Love yourself anyways. SHINE anyways.

I write all of these things with a heavy heart. For whatever reason, things that have happened to me that I have survived and battled through, that I have refused to let define me, that I have clenched my teeth to smile through are attacking me boldfaced again full circle. And, trying to rob my joy. I want to run outside and yell to the universe,"YOU will NOT shake my spirit. You will NOT get the best of me. You will not define me, control me, cage me and imprison me. Not one.more.day." I close my eyes and try to find the power and strength that I KNOW is there. I try to muster a smile within. Knowing all of the blessings before me, all of the sunshine within my soul far outweighs the anchor within. Somedays, it all goes wrong. Somedays, I forget who I am. I cannot hear the voice of where I'm going because of the voice constantly reminding me of where I've been. And it eats and eats and eats at me. And, I hate it. I hate that voice. All of the hypocrites I have ever met live there. They live in that nasty, snarly, devilish, joy-robbing voice. And, I hate them. I hate the reminder of where I've been.

And then. I look at my children. I look at my husband. I look at my soul for what I KNOW that it is. And, all of a sudden I push harder. I yell louder to those voices, I try again. I keep trudging, I raise my chin, I look to the sun and I begin again. I begin again. Anew. I know that they are not concerned with where I have been, they are going WITH me. They know the fighter in me. They know the love that I am, that I have, that I radiate. They know that I walk on the side of sunshine and scowl at the rain. They see my strength, my courage, my sacrifices and they KNOW I'm headed down a sunny road. 

For anyone who is stuck where they've BEEN and cannot see where they are going...I know. I KNOW how hard it is to raise your chin up to the sun when all you hear are the negative hypocrites pulling you backwards. I am there with you. I am in the mud. I am in the sinking sand. And I am fighting it with every cellular part of my body and soul. I KNOW that we were not destined for sadness, we were not destined for misery. That's why there's so much love in our lives. 

And, I thank my God for this struggle. I thank God for this slough, mud, dirt, grime and ice. Because without any of it, I would not know where I'm SUPPOSED to be. 

If a gummy grin does not change your life...is there anything that will?

I am saved every day. I struggle every day. I battle everyday.

And, I win EVERY day because of the blessings that have been sent to me. 

Destiny? Fate? Chance? Luck?

I don't know. 

Maybe because when it was bad, it was REAL bad.

SIKE!

Okay, okay...so I haven't COMPLETELY broken off my commitment with facebook. I mean, I have people to keep in touch with here. And, when I commit, I COMMIT. So, I have tweeked some privacy settings and am hoping that will give some peace of mind. But, let's face it, I will be posting pictures here and THIS isn't private. Ah well, you win some and you lose some, right? I guess we could all go nuts if we sat thinking about all the weirdos in the world. Speaking of weirdos..
      Our old neighbors with the crazy annoying and peeping tom kid finally moved out. Now we have some folks living next door that are about our parent's age. They are a little odd too but at least they aren't peeping in the windows. Well, that we KNOW about! It's unfortunate that we have a shared driveway. I mean, it kindof FORCES you to interact you know? But, it's all good. They seem really really nice and aren't slobs when it comes to their yard. It's nice not to have to look at this HUGE trampoline outside the kitchen window anymore.
      We just got back from the Art Museum. We put the babies in the stroller and cruised around. The babies do FANTASTIC outside when they are moving. Seth needed to burn off some crazy toddler energy and the weather was PERFECT. They have this really neat amphitheater outside with a huge stage. Sethie of course had to go see what this stage thing was all about. Who knows, maybe he'll like the stage and decide he wants to always be in the spotlight. He sure likes the spotlight now, that's for sure! It's always nice to get out and get some fresh air and the art museum is free so that's a bonus. Sometimes we take sandwiches, chips, and juiceboxes or we pick up some Chic-fil-A. But, today we went without lunch and had just as much fun. Sethie was picking up the white flowers that grow in clover patches for me. How sweet is THAT? Precious, I know. I mean I'm a little partial to him but still.
     I am now working back at the hospital again. I am back in the Birthing Center. I worked there about 5 years ago and left because I wanted a little more excitement among other things. What I found is that the grass is always greener on the other side. But, if you take the time to water your own grass, it will be just as green. I feel like I like taking care of the moms and babies. I'm practically a professional :) And, no one is trying to die on me. I'm not constantly dealing with all of those ethical,moral, and social issues like I was in the ED or the ICU and quite frankly, I think I would lose my mind if I had to continue to do that! I find that the patients and their families are MOST of the time pretty appreciative and receptive to all the newborn/parent teaching. It's my favorite part of my job. That, and swaddling the little beebees up super snuggly. The twins are too wiggly now for swaddling. It's sad when a baby reaches that point of maturity where they just wiggle and wiggle and fight and push and poot until they work their way out of a swaddled blanket, right?!
     I hope that you can see with these 2 posts (IN ONE DAY) that I am going to try to make a valiant effort to continue to post and vent, divulge and veer off topic into randomness more frequently than I had been. I think I realized that when your status updates start getting really long, it's time to BLOG. So, welcome! I hope that you continue to check back, leave me a comment or two, and tell me how I can follow your blog too. I'm a big blog reader. Let me tell you, having 4 kids under 5 years old has a way of keeping you on the couch at night when they finally close their eyes. I'd love to read what is going on in your life and discover new ways to stay sane, be more efficient, more organized (with less work) and to take it one day at a time. Any wisdom you may have or comiserating you may do will be much appreciated.

Cheers to Blogger!!
Kimmie
PS.. Enjoy some pictures from our day!

Broke up with FB

Hey! Can you believe this? I have broken up with Facebook. Yep. Dunzo. Call me crazy. It's such a fantastic way to keep in touch with family members and friends and share pictures, frustrations, and get great mommy tips. But, it also makes me a little crazy. Let's face it. There are "friends" that maybe I don't want to see all the pictures of my kids. There are "friends" that I don't want to know when we are going on vacation or when we are going to the doctor. I mean, I don't know. I thought about deleting EVERYONE but my nearest and dearest. But, then you have the whole dilemma of what to say when people find out that you are friends with some and not with others. So, there. I did it. It was painful at first. Especially when I woke up this morning and had no newsfeed to read. No details about everyone's lives. When they are working, when they are sleeping, what they are eating. No complaints about our backwards weather, no new pictures of their smiling babies or the mess they woke up to in the kitchen. Perhaps I'll really miss it and reactivate my account. I tried to log back in to look at my own photos, but it appears that reactivates the account. SOOO...maybe fb and I will have an off-again, on-again relationship. Regardless, I feel like a little bit of a weight has been lifted. What does that mean for my blog? Well, let's see. I've been broken up with facebook for hours and here I am, writing an ACTUAL post on my own blog. The first in quite a while. This is a step in the right direction. Perhaps all the facebook energy can go into an actual documented blog. Imagine what this is going to do for my grammar! Maybe the energy from facebook can go into finding better layouts, more ideas, and connecting with other moms via blogging instead of facebook. I'm excited about this. I'm waiting for all of our mutual friends to ask Jay where I am and why I am no longer on facebook. I'm also wondering if he'll be able to take the plunge as well. I'm going to try to resist the urge to ask for his phone to catch up on the latest and greatest mutual buddies. I'm also going to try to see how I can make it easier to blog from my ipad. Too bad there's no app on the ipad for that!! BOO!
So, for the much needed update!!

Katie and Isaac are growing and smiling. Laughing and cooing, and only seem content when we are OUT OF THE HOUSE. Lord, it's frustrating on rainy days having Seth in the house as well as the two of them. They slept from about 1:30am lastnight until 7:30 this morning and let me tell you...it was good. REAL good. Bojangles sweet tea and french fries good. We had a rough start of the week after vaccines on Friday. Ugh, don't get me started. Having 2 babies cry for no reason and a toddler whine because that's what they do best is frustrating. Not to mention the stuck inside thing due to the rainy weather here. They have officially moved on to 3 month clothing. I think that's a pretty big (and sad) deal due to the fact that they are a little over 2 months old and twinsies. Katie weighed 10lbs 10 oz at her 2 month checkup and Isaac came in second place at 10lbs 3 oz. They have recently started interacting more with us and with their toys. They both LOVE their mobiles and laugh, coo, and smile at them both while in their swings and in the crib. We are crazy and have 2 mobiles on their shared crib, one for each end :)

I've got to run. I'm hoping to be able to carve out some set time soon to catch up more specifically. To let you know how I'M doing and how things are for ME.

Love to you all,
Kimmie

A few pictured

So... My children have captured my heart and all I can do about it is take pictures of them. I promise to actually take time to post a real blogpost soon. Meanwhile, I hope these pictures let your heart lighten up a little.

Isaac faces

To be followed by Katie faces



Ahhh this is love!

Update much?

Okay friends. It seems that blogger now has an iphone app! Which means I can no longer use the excuse that I haven't been sitting down at the computer! Wondering how everything is? Wonderful, blessed, exhausted, drained, excited. I'm going to try to upload a few pictures of recent things going on around our zoo.

hormones squared?

Hi all. So, when I was thinking about what to blog about...I couldn't help but blog about my hormones. You know, the ones that make you question your emotions? Are you being over-emotional? Is it that time of the month? Are you crying at the drop of a hat? Bickering with your loved ones? Short-tempered with your children? Are you questioning yourself? Are you feeling sorry for yourself? How much of that is related to your hormones? Well. Let me just tell you. Are you ready to hear? Now, Jay will tell you, I've had a few meltdowns this pregnancy about stupid, stupid things. And, I'm kindof crazy every-once-in-a-while about things being clean (and he is too.) You know, that sock on the floor that you just don't pick up? Or the socks on the top of the dryer that seem to sit there and sit there? Well...they don't bother you until the one day you wake up and you're done with the mess? You clean everything up, feel better and in 30 minutes it's all back to mess again? So, what made you go ballistic and clean everything at sight all at once without passing go, when yesterday it didn't bother you? Hormones? Well, here we go. Like I said, I've had my share of meltdowns this pregnancy but I'd like to say that I'm pretty predictable. I mean, when I'm exhausted or hungry, watch out :)
Let's talk about last week for me okay? We'll start with the fact that I was scheduled 10a-6p but switched Weds and Fri to work 11a-7p so that I could fit a few doctor appointments in early enough so I wouldn't be late for work. Okay, so when I got home EVERY night last week, the kids were both grouchy, tired, bathed, fed, and in their pajamas. My sweet husband was so happy to see me but about to collapse from tiredom (that's a word on my blog okay?) and I hardly had any quality time with any of them. But, I didn't think too much about it because well, it was a somewhat short week since I was off on Monday and knew that I would be off work today (Monday). Now, I for some reason started panicking a little today because I realized that this is how it's going to be. I'm going to have the twins and come home to all of my sweet children that will be crabby, tired, and an exhausted husband. For what? For a Monday-Friday job? I mean, that's what most people do, right? All last week, when Jay took the kids to the park or the museum or was having fun with bath time, I got pictures. I didn't get wet from splashes, I didn't help change a diaper at the park or wipe hands off. I didn't pour milk with lunch or make extra chocolatey chocolate milk for skinny little Parker. Nope, I was at work. So, what happens now? What happens when the twins need to go for a checkup? For shots? I don't get to be there. What happens when they first start to roll over? To babble to each other? I don't get to be there. What happens when my husband is about to pull his hair out and someone has a blow up diaper right in the middle of a walk at the museum or park? I don't get to be there. This has really started to upset me. What happens when my husband wants to shower after I've gone back to work and the twins are here and our Seth is trying to climb into their crib? I won't be there. The totality of all of this is enough to make me cry really. And, by cry, I mean one of those good cries where you are sucking in air like a teenager. You know the cry, heaving. The kind of cry that makes your eyes look puffy the next day. As you can see, I'm facing a big dilemma. I simply cannot expect my sweet husband to do this all alone. I WANT to be with him. To help him, I want him to let me be with him through all of this just like we have been able to do with the other little beebs. So, the questions are how..and when? Things seem so out of control lately. Like, on top of all the other things that I just whined about, any second I could go into preterm labor and EVERYTHING would immediately spin out of control. How much is really in my control anyways? Now. Tell me. How much of this is hormonal. I need to know. Is it passing? Will I wake up tomorrow and say, "oh Kimmie, yesterday you were such a heap of estrogen. Stop worrying. You've got it made in the shade." Because, (like most hormonal rants) I really do truly believe that I am upset about these things to my core. I mean, Katie has already about 8 hairbows that match outfits up there. Now, the sad thing is that with 2 twins, and the other kids to take care of, do you think he's going to have time to put a hairbow on Katiebug? Doubt it. Do you think that it would give me lots of joy and help me get through the exhausting and fussy days to be able to put a hairbow on Katiebug or pick out her outfits? Absolutely. Now. What's my plan? What's my plan? Didn't you know that about me? I'm a planner. Do I try to find something straight weekend nights again? Do I call the manager for obs1 at Wakemed and beg for my job back? Do I quit PPD and work at the nursing home (16 hour shifts plus one 8 hour shift?) None of those things are truly guarenteed.  I'm pretty sure that it would be easy for me to work again at the nursing home those shifts because I'm still casual there every other weekend and all. But, it's really excruciating work for about 2/3 of the shift on my feet, exhausting. And, the patients are so demanding and impatient. Not to mention some a little crazy. I'm afraid that I made a mistake leaving WM all together. I'm afraid that when things didn't work out in the ICU I should have just called my old manager and begged for SOMETHING. ANYTHING full time. But, I didn't. Don't know why. (By the way, I hope you love all of these run-on paragraphs and horrible grammatical errors.)For some reason, the words just seem to flow faster and in run-ons. So, I just let them keep coming. Afraid that I will lose my train of thought if I stop to think about punctuation. Please keep me in your thoughts. I'm positive, I'm happy, I'm blessed, and I'm standing on the fence, trying to decide which side to cling to. Right now, my husband is the only thing that I am clinging to. And, I feel like there is a lot of pressure to make the right decision for all of us. And, I feel like I will REALLY regret it if I choose working a Mon-Fri job over my loves here at our home.

I hope that everyone has had a wonderful time with family and friends. And, I hope that this is a very blessed New Year for everyone. The Lewis zoo has lots of changes in store this year. Lots of growing, expanding, laughing, crying, (and hopefully sleeping) but definitely loving to do.

I hope that I get time to share some of my 2012 with all of you.

Cheers,
Kim