hormones squared?

Hi all. So, when I was thinking about what to blog about...I couldn't help but blog about my hormones. You know, the ones that make you question your emotions? Are you being over-emotional? Is it that time of the month? Are you crying at the drop of a hat? Bickering with your loved ones? Short-tempered with your children? Are you questioning yourself? Are you feeling sorry for yourself? How much of that is related to your hormones? Well. Let me just tell you. Are you ready to hear? Now, Jay will tell you, I've had a few meltdowns this pregnancy about stupid, stupid things. And, I'm kindof crazy every-once-in-a-while about things being clean (and he is too.) You know, that sock on the floor that you just don't pick up? Or the socks on the top of the dryer that seem to sit there and sit there? Well...they don't bother you until the one day you wake up and you're done with the mess? You clean everything up, feel better and in 30 minutes it's all back to mess again? So, what made you go ballistic and clean everything at sight all at once without passing go, when yesterday it didn't bother you? Hormones? Well, here we go. Like I said, I've had my share of meltdowns this pregnancy but I'd like to say that I'm pretty predictable. I mean, when I'm exhausted or hungry, watch out :)
Let's talk about last week for me okay? We'll start with the fact that I was scheduled 10a-6p but switched Weds and Fri to work 11a-7p so that I could fit a few doctor appointments in early enough so I wouldn't be late for work. Okay, so when I got home EVERY night last week, the kids were both grouchy, tired, bathed, fed, and in their pajamas. My sweet husband was so happy to see me but about to collapse from tiredom (that's a word on my blog okay?) and I hardly had any quality time with any of them. But, I didn't think too much about it because well, it was a somewhat short week since I was off on Monday and knew that I would be off work today (Monday). Now, I for some reason started panicking a little today because I realized that this is how it's going to be. I'm going to have the twins and come home to all of my sweet children that will be crabby, tired, and an exhausted husband. For what? For a Monday-Friday job? I mean, that's what most people do, right? All last week, when Jay took the kids to the park or the museum or was having fun with bath time, I got pictures. I didn't get wet from splashes, I didn't help change a diaper at the park or wipe hands off. I didn't pour milk with lunch or make extra chocolatey chocolate milk for skinny little Parker. Nope, I was at work. So, what happens now? What happens when the twins need to go for a checkup? For shots? I don't get to be there. What happens when they first start to roll over? To babble to each other? I don't get to be there. What happens when my husband is about to pull his hair out and someone has a blow up diaper right in the middle of a walk at the museum or park? I don't get to be there. This has really started to upset me. What happens when my husband wants to shower after I've gone back to work and the twins are here and our Seth is trying to climb into their crib? I won't be there. The totality of all of this is enough to make me cry really. And, by cry, I mean one of those good cries where you are sucking in air like a teenager. You know the cry, heaving. The kind of cry that makes your eyes look puffy the next day. As you can see, I'm facing a big dilemma. I simply cannot expect my sweet husband to do this all alone. I WANT to be with him. To help him, I want him to let me be with him through all of this just like we have been able to do with the other little beebs. So, the questions are how..and when? Things seem so out of control lately. Like, on top of all the other things that I just whined about, any second I could go into preterm labor and EVERYTHING would immediately spin out of control. How much is really in my control anyways? Now. Tell me. How much of this is hormonal. I need to know. Is it passing? Will I wake up tomorrow and say, "oh Kimmie, yesterday you were such a heap of estrogen. Stop worrying. You've got it made in the shade." Because, (like most hormonal rants) I really do truly believe that I am upset about these things to my core. I mean, Katie has already about 8 hairbows that match outfits up there. Now, the sad thing is that with 2 twins, and the other kids to take care of, do you think he's going to have time to put a hairbow on Katiebug? Doubt it. Do you think that it would give me lots of joy and help me get through the exhausting and fussy days to be able to put a hairbow on Katiebug or pick out her outfits? Absolutely. Now. What's my plan? What's my plan? Didn't you know that about me? I'm a planner. Do I try to find something straight weekend nights again? Do I call the manager for obs1 at Wakemed and beg for my job back? Do I quit PPD and work at the nursing home (16 hour shifts plus one 8 hour shift?) None of those things are truly guarenteed.  I'm pretty sure that it would be easy for me to work again at the nursing home those shifts because I'm still casual there every other weekend and all. But, it's really excruciating work for about 2/3 of the shift on my feet, exhausting. And, the patients are so demanding and impatient. Not to mention some a little crazy. I'm afraid that I made a mistake leaving WM all together. I'm afraid that when things didn't work out in the ICU I should have just called my old manager and begged for SOMETHING. ANYTHING full time. But, I didn't. Don't know why. (By the way, I hope you love all of these run-on paragraphs and horrible grammatical errors.)For some reason, the words just seem to flow faster and in run-ons. So, I just let them keep coming. Afraid that I will lose my train of thought if I stop to think about punctuation. Please keep me in your thoughts. I'm positive, I'm happy, I'm blessed, and I'm standing on the fence, trying to decide which side to cling to. Right now, my husband is the only thing that I am clinging to. And, I feel like there is a lot of pressure to make the right decision for all of us. And, I feel like I will REALLY regret it if I choose working a Mon-Fri job over my loves here at our home.

I hope that everyone has had a wonderful time with family and friends. And, I hope that this is a very blessed New Year for everyone. The Lewis zoo has lots of changes in store this year. Lots of growing, expanding, laughing, crying, (and hopefully sleeping) but definitely loving to do.

I hope that I get time to share some of my 2012 with all of you.

Cheers,
Kim