Living on Coffee and Love: Gummy Grins and Squishy Babies

Some days are easier than others. Let's face it. There are days that work out just the way you would have wanted them to. Everything runs smoothly, you make all the stoplights, you are 5 minutes early everywhere you go. There are days when not a muscle aches, not a joint is sore and not a sad thought crosses your mind. Do we expect all days to be this way? Of course. How do we handle it when things are all a giant heaping mess? You walk into the kitchen to spilled oatmeal all over the floor, open the refrigerator to find that the milk has expired, go to make a sandwich and the bread is hard. There are days when the water takes too long to get hot, the bags in the chip bag are all crushed, your head hurts, your ankle is sore, and you are burning up hot because you wore long pants on the hottest day of the year. You check the bank account to find MUCH less money than what you thought you should have. The grey clouds that were only threatening and sleepy when you walked in to Target decide to let out BUCKETS on your head as you walk to your car on your way to a dressy dinner and your mascara runs like there's no tomorrow. Which day do you have more of? Does this depend on where you are in your life? Maybe. Does this depend on how busy you are in your life? Maybe. Is it luck? Chance? DESTINY? Do we tell ourselves those things to make ourselves feel better? To make ourselves feel less responsible? Feel deserving when things go terrific? How do we ensure that the moments that we have and REMEMBER are more of the terrific ones? How do we slow down the hands of time so that we can cherish and sop up the moments, days, weeks, years that are full of joy? How do we force ourselves to close our eyes and put it all in perspective? Maybe: Surround yourself with positive people. Only spend time with people concerned with what you're doing and where you're going. Ignore people and make them a last priority if they are always talking about your past. Schedule everything else around the things that are important to YOU. Dream a lot. Read a lot. Write a lot. Pray a lot. Accept a lot. Listen a lot. Just. Keep.Going. A LOT. Take lots and lots of pictures of things that define you or that you want to define you and have them ready at a moment's notice to pick you up when you are down. To remind you of your definition. To push away the mean things that your mind tries to tell you that you are. To recenter. To remember your purpose. Share your hardships with others so that no one walks around thinking you are perfect. Confide in your friends and let them confide in you. And, no matter what they tell you...love them anyways. In doing all of these things, find a way to love the hard moments, weeks, months, years anyways. Love yourself anyways. SHINE anyways.

I write all of these things with a heavy heart. For whatever reason, things that have happened to me that I have survived and battled through, that I have refused to let define me, that I have clenched my teeth to smile through are attacking me boldfaced again full circle. And, trying to rob my joy. I want to run outside and yell to the universe,"YOU will NOT shake my spirit. You will NOT get the best of me. You will not define me, control me, cage me and imprison me. Not one.more.day." I close my eyes and try to find the power and strength that I KNOW is there. I try to muster a smile within. Knowing all of the blessings before me, all of the sunshine within my soul far outweighs the anchor within. Somedays, it all goes wrong. Somedays, I forget who I am. I cannot hear the voice of where I'm going because of the voice constantly reminding me of where I've been. And it eats and eats and eats at me. And, I hate it. I hate that voice. All of the hypocrites I have ever met live there. They live in that nasty, snarly, devilish, joy-robbing voice. And, I hate them. I hate the reminder of where I've been.

And then. I look at my children. I look at my husband. I look at my soul for what I KNOW that it is. And, all of a sudden I push harder. I yell louder to those voices, I try again. I keep trudging, I raise my chin, I look to the sun and I begin again. I begin again. Anew. I know that they are not concerned with where I have been, they are going WITH me. They know the fighter in me. They know the love that I am, that I have, that I radiate. They know that I walk on the side of sunshine and scowl at the rain. They see my strength, my courage, my sacrifices and they KNOW I'm headed down a sunny road.

For anyone who is stuck where they've BEEN and cannot see where they are going...I know. I KNOW how hard it is to raise your chin up to the sun when all you hear are the negative hypocrites pulling you backwards. I am there with you. I am in the mud. I am in the sinking sand. And I am fighting it with every cellular part of my body and soul. I KNOW that we were not destined for sadness, we were not destined for misery. That's why there's so much love in our lives.

And, I thank my God for this struggle. I thank God for this slough, mud, dirt, grime and ice. Because without any of it, I would not know where I'm SUPPOSED to be.

If a gummy grin does not change your life...is there anything that will?

I am saved every day. I struggle every day. I battle everyday.

And, I win EVERY day because of the blessings that have been sent to me.

Destiny? Fate? Chance? Luck?

I don't know.

Maybe because when it was bad, it was REAL bad.