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Words From One Squishy Broken Heart

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2/12/2025 When I was 14, my mom made me volunteer all summer at the hospital. Most kids volunteered 1 day/week. We couldn't afford summer camp or family vacations and she worked all week. I was too young for a job. She signed me up to volunteer at the hospital 5 days/week all day. All summer long.  I delivered flowers and cards to patients. I sat with patients in the cancer center and kept them company while they were getting chemo. I helped people sit up to eat, and I took family members from the lobby to patient rooms and back again.  It was the summer between middle school and high school for me. I was overweight, lacked self-confidence, didn't play sports, read a lot of books, and spent a lot of time in my room by myself drawing, reading, listening to music, and dreaming.  I came home crying every day about the patients I saw. Every single day broke my heart. I will always remember what my mom said to me one day after being a little annoyed with me for crying again. S...
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What does it take to write?

As you can tell, it's been so long since I've posted. For some reason, it always takes something pretty big or eye-opening to get me still enough to write. The stars all lined up tonight and I decided to login and post again. Have any of you started email accounts for your children? I have about 3 journals upstairs, tattered and torn, exhausted from moving around from box to box. In them, I have letters to the kids. I was really good about writing to the twins when I was pregnant with them. I wrote about the things that scared me and the things I hoped for them. I wrote about how I felt, what I ate, and even ordinary things that being pregnant with them changed. I told them about how it felt to tie my shoes sideways and how I required pretzel nests of pillows in order to sleep. I even kept up with writing to each of them for awhile after they were born. But, as luck and life would have it, sleep became harder and harder to come by and my priorities shifted. The other night, I...
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Planting Seeds

4/14/25 I was reading about planting seeds of faith this weekend. It was freeing to read about how it isn't really our job to save people, convince them, or secure their place in eternity. It's our job to plant the seeds. I have felt torn and disappointed over the last few years, that I haven't been in a God-focused relationship with a God-fearing and God-loving man, with a surrendered heart. I have churned and beat myself up over the way the faith of my children have been shaped and impacted by the relationship I have had with their father while they have had so many formidable years. It feels like the greatest failure that they haven't all verbalized they have personal relationships with God and that I do not see Him working in their daily lives. Then, this weekend, I read a perspective-shifting devotional, and it was beautiful. My grandfather planted his seeds of faith in me. I saw how he lived, loved, and served. I saw how he studied the Bible in quiet stillness and...
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