It is well, it is well with my soul. Amen.

So many things have been weighing on my shoulders lately. I've been soul-searching, praying, and keeping the faith. I've just been wishing a big neon sign would appear to let me know what to do, what to go for, where to go, where to put roots down. You know, just the BIGGIES. And, then this morning I thought to myself, maybe the big neon sign that I want is ...there is no big neon sign. And, I just need to be still. And, wait. 

Anyone who knows me, knows that when I know what I want, I go after it with all the strength and determination I have. Lately, I have to admit that things in my life that have previously held so much weight and required so much strength have fallen by the wayside. 

I have recognized over the last week or so that the everyday stresses of life coupled with the search for a home (in every sense of the word home) have really drained a lot of my joy, my sunshine.  And, quite frankly, I'm fed up with myself. 

Many of you know that we were extremely close to closing on a gorgeous home in Burlington, NC. When it came down to it, there were expensive repairs that needed to be made. And, in an older home, one thing started leading to another and snowballing. Before we knew it, contractors were estimating 30K in repairs. (And, that didn't include the nice shiny stainless steel appliances we wanted.) Furthermore, with all the traveling I've been doing and will be doing, it is difficult to have a large home that I am never truly IN. 

I am a dreamer. You show me a house, and I am already figuring out where african violets will grow best, where the beds will be positioned, I get caught up in all the warm and fuzzies. I am bad about that, counting chickens before they hatch. Visualizing what I want. Visualizing all the little details. Isn't that where we find ourselves? In the little details? In the reading corner? Under the granny square crocheted blanket? In those thick wool socks? 

Ready for it? This is the breaking point. Jay and I started talking about what use a home would be, if I wasn't there to be in it. On ordinary days. On rainy days. On cold nights. When I travel, I'm only home on Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun. And, he is the glue that holds it all together. All the time. The lunches, the dishes, the laundry, the whining, the homework, the baths, the rinse-spits, the gargle gargles. The shoelaces, the seatbelts. All of it. When I am gone, he carries it all.

 Seth started Kindergarten. And, items started coming home in the bookbag. You know the folder I am referring to. It is filled with news from the school, and open house dates, report card dates, school picture days. Reading goals and book suggestions, fund raisers and behavior charts.

And, then I realized that Mon, Tues, Weds, Thurs, I would not be there to unzip that bookbag. I will be traveling the night before his first picture day at school. I will be traveling when his report card comes home. (I know you see where I am going with this.)  

Then, that good old Bible verse comes to mind. You know the sweet one. "Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from following you; for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. 17"Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried." Ruth 1:16. Where you go, I will go.

So, I sit here.  Being patient. Waiting. Being faithful. Being hopeful. Being obedient. Asking God where He wants me to be. Where He wants me to shine. Where He wants US to be. Where He wants US to shine. My hands are open.  My head is bowed. I sit here with horrible grammar, run-on sentences, fragments, and then I stir. In my soul, I stir. And, I sing. And, it is a cold and broken Hallelujah. But, it is a Hallelujah nonetheless.

And, as hard as it is in my gypsy, stir-crazy, over-extended soul to be patient. I am trying. I am seeking Him. I am listening. I am praying. I am thankful. Because, "whatever my lot, thou hath taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul."

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you." Jeremiah 29:11