WHIRLWIND

I have so many random things on my mind that I'd like to write about. It's sad because sometimes blogging becomes journaling for me. I rant and rave and vent and reflect and nothing comes out orderly. I think that's okay. I apologize in advance for broken thoughts, incomplete sentences or those things I love...the dots.....

I just finished reading RESILIENCE by Elizabeth Edwards. I started it yesterday. It was part of my gifts to myself from my part of the tax return we received. And, it was indeed a good read. Inspiring, thought-provoking and strengthening. I have to admit, that since I went to high school with John and Elizabeth Edward's children Wade and Cate, the story, the book is probably far more interesting and appealing to me. Elizabeth Edwards, to me has always represented what a mom should be..supportive, strong, classy, and sassy. She is the Jackie O of NC if you will. I actually have this book, Resilience...that's the newest. And, her first book Saving Graces. For some reason, I chose to read Resilience first, although I'm not sure why. So, now I'm pretty excited to read Saving Graces. Elizabeth Edwards has really been through a lot. She writes so poingnantly (spellingg? sorry!) and with so much emotion. She describes their house, her kitchen, her childhood, her father, her mother with such account and words that you feel for her. I really feel for her. I cannot imagine going through the things that she has. A few things from the book that really struck a chord with me...she says that for years, she felt like her life had a strong foundation. Her marriage, her relationship with her kids, her morals, her life. And, she has just recently decided that it is flawed, and has cracks. Cracks that run deep into the foundation, crippling it. She then quotes a Leonard Cohen song, "the cracks let the light in" Moving, right? Absolutely life-changing. I know. She also writes of the influence music has on her ...a view very similar to mine. She says, "In the end, what we want is far too dear for words, for paper. Maybe that is why in every culture there is music that takes us places words cannot." Agreed. There's something about music that lifts you up. She continues on, saying, "There comes a point when the music ends.The trick is to have someplace to go when it does. Not to sink back into the hole in which the music found you, from where it lifted you. The trick is to go someplace that belongs to you, that was the perfect medicine for what you needed." Oh, LOVE this book. And, I highly recommend you to read it. I bought it on ebay for - are you ready for this? $1.00 and shipping was 3.00...so I mean, it won't break your bank, okay?
          I'd also like for you to see the picture of my birthday cake below...a dear friend of mine, Macy made it for me. She knows that I LOOVE her almond flavored icing. She knows that my life number for some reason always points to 3 and that I love hearts. I have a tattoo of 3 hearts on my left wrist. They symbolize my 3 boys; Jay, Parker, and Seth. And, they are on my left wrist because that is the same hand on which I wear my wedding band. I am forever committed to my hearts, my loves. Anyways, back to the cake. She doesn't really think much of it, but to me...it's the best gift she could have given. She makes and decorates lots of cakes for all sorts of fun occasions. However, she doesn't quite realize how good she is. And, I feel like she made my 27th Birthday oh so special by making me that cake.
       That brings me to my next bloggable thing. I'm 27. That's not OLD persay...but it's a long time. I feel like I have lived a lot and through a lot in my 27 years. So much so that it's hard for me to remember. It's hard for me to remember the moments before Jay and I found each other again and met up for Starbucks. It's hard for me to remember the struggles in school and college. I don't feel like I was truly living. Because, I never had anyone true to share the moments with. Often times, I feel guilty because Jay and I spend so much time together ...that sometimes I forget how nice it is too that we both understand the need for time apart. But, can I admit something? Something that I never thought I would say? Something that I think a "strong woman" should never say? I'm smitten by him. You heard me. I'm independently dependent. I seek solace in him. I rely on him. I NEED him. GASP>>>>> go ahead. I know. UGH. I needed him long before I met him. I just have never been able to care for someone so deeply, so intricately. Right down to the detail. Down to the "Kim, it doesn't matter, it's just laundry." Right down to the, "You nap, I'll take the boys for a ride in the car." The "I took your car through the carwash today." Or, when I walk downstairs and he has put up all the dishes and cleaned all the bottles (which is NO fun)..it's really a partnership...all of it. Just like it's supposed to be. I don't know what I would do without it. And, it's a wonderful feeling to be able to trust someone with your life, your heart, your children, your dreams, your insecurities. It's a wonderful thing to know that if you've had a crummy day, you have someone to cry on. I cannot imagine the alternative.
When I read Elizabeth Edward's book....I guess I hurt for her. I hurt for her because I feel like she used to have it all. I read her book hoping to find answers..ways to prevent the trials and tribulations in her life from presenting themselves in mine. I guess that's what FAITH is about. It's hard, this faith thing. But, it's my middle name. No, for real..it is. And, when I married Jay, I chose it. I chose Faith to be my middle name because that is something I want to forever be a part of me. If you don't have faith that you will have the life you've always dreamed of, you won't. If you don't have faith...it's very hard to trust. If you don't have faith, there's no reason to dream. And, I've always been a dreamer you know.
So, my life started in January of 2007---all my worries disappeared then. Over a coffee. Sealed with a smile. Done deal. Game over. So, I may be 27 years old. I've only really lived a little over 3. I have FAITH that I will live more. I dream that I live more...with him.
Happy Birthday to me...
Kimmie