Pictures and rambling= 2 things I'm great at!

I apologize for all of the pictures. I find that, daily I am taking tons of pictures with my blackberry and can't help but share them with you. I can't believe how big the boys are getting. Tonight when Parker was stretched out in the bathtub, I couldn't believe he was able to reach both ends :( But, I have to admit..can I admit something? I love that my boys are growing up. I love that they are getting somewhat easier, that Parker understands me when I talk to him.
Now, on the other hand, just because Parker understands me doesn't mean that he always does what I tell him to. And, sometimes he just throws himself down. Sometimes, I want to ..."jerk a knot in him" as I heard growing up. I've learned that Parker Jay is strong-willed. He is determined. In everything. I think that's why sometimes we butt heads and he stomps his foot at me, I stomp my foot back at him...and it goes on ...and on. But, when he's tired, sleepy, sick or just cuddly--he comes to me and that's when I know. That's when I feel that special love. The love between a mother and her son.
 I'm really learning that for a few more years, I'm not really going to have much of a life. And, sometimes that KILLS me. I whine, I cry, I resent. I mean, really people. No shopping for myself, no lavish parties, no straightening my hair DAILY, heck...honestly, I'm lucky if my legs are shaved once in a 2 week period! And, being a spirited individual, I have to say that it's taken a toll on my spirit. And, lately for some reason, even more so. I don't care- I will tell you right now that I don't love being a mom every second or every day. I'm sorry. There's just more to me as an individual than being a mom. And, honestly, I'm not a very patient person. I realize that I used to get on my knees and pray for a child, pray for a family. I know people, friends who continue to pray for a child and continue to struggle with infertility. I know what a sin it is of me to write of the above things. I cannot help but feel them. And, I have to be honest. But, my children have begun to MAKE me. I can't go back to ever being or thinking or sleeping or breathing not a mother. That is a robe I will always wear. I guess, it's just scary. It's scary not having time to be you. To read, to hike, to shop, to sleep in on Saturdays, to spend dollars on yourself without feeling guilty. And, to top it all...I'm fat. Yep, fattest I've ever been in my life. Well, less than when I was pregnant with Seth..but barely. Those oreos on a stressful day, they make it better. Immediately. That milkshake in the car when the kids are screaming helps immediately. Starbucks, yep. Chickfil a? Yep. I can say that I haven't "let myself go" but I have definitely gone. And, that sucks. It really does. I mean, who wants to spend the happier part of their 20s fat? NOT I. And, if I skip a meal or deny myself of something that I want, I'm ill about it. UGh. Let me know if you find any sneaky ways to lose weight. I'm down. I'm SOO down.
Okay I'm done. F#CK BATHING SUITS- I'm wearing my hoodie and jeans in the pool this year!