Got my swagga back.

It finally happened. I sat down at my computer to type a last status update for the night. It was too long for a status update. So, I put it into a  note. When I did, the words kept flowing. And, after a much unplanned blogger block....I got my groove back.
Enjoy dear friends. Hope something strikes a chord in your soul. Hope something fills your cup up...if only one word, one sentence, for one second. Love you all unconditionally--because there is no other love.

I feel somewhat wiser than most people I know. I take care of people of all ages at their absolute worst, when they are the most afraid, the most vulnerable, and the most defeated. What a privilege it is to be blessed with the gift of a caring heart and sincere smile. For, nothing in this world makes me feel more REAL, more TRUE, more thankful than to be able to make a change, fight an infection,fluff a flat pillow, quench the thirst, or warm the cold toes of a patient with a blanket. I hope that I don't leave this world before I've had a chance to really see my children blossom or before I've been able to hold the old hand of my angelic husband. You see, I have things to do. Things to accomplish. I have homework to check, and spelling words to quiz. I have multiplication and (God help me) division flashcards to hold up and high five. I have poetry to read to my husband while we're drinking coffee in weather-beaten rickety lawn furniture. I have dinners for the homeless at the soup kitchen to do at Christmas when the boys are old enough to learn the importance of service, dedication, and empathy. I have books to read, shops in Charleston to get googley eyes over with my bestie. I have laundry, for there will always be laundry and missing socks and tshirts with annoying holes. Yes, there are things. Things that we all want to do. Things we all dream of doing and places we all dream of going. Moments really. Moments that define us and shape us and make us memorable to those we love and those who don't really even know us. I feel bad for the people in the world who don't understand the value of their life and their breaths. I am frustrated with them because I feel that it's a shame for someone not to realize the work that they can do with their hands, heart, and mind can change little things. I am thankful that my mother not only raised me to be "book-smart" but to be "life-smart." Because, being successful and coping with life isn't about what the manual or what the instructions say. The things that matter in life require one to be able to think quickly, act swiftly, and overcome obstacles that seem to be overwhelming. Critically thinking and problem solving and being able to think ahead. I tell you, I have things to do. I have goals to set. I have lists everywhere. Post-its and highlighters in any color you can imagine. I've realized that in order for me to take my last breath and feel satisfied with the way I have lived...I will have to be happy with the MOMENTS. The interactions, the friendships, the trips, the laughter, the tears, the triumph, the persistence. It's only recently occurred to me that I don't want to have money saved up so that I can live after I retire. No, I don't want that at all. I want to be able to LIVE now. And, I want those moments. I want the ones that I can dream up and I want the ones that are better than in my wildest dreams. I look in the eyes of my children and I see nothing but light. Nothing but freedom and possibility. I see innocence and purity. And, the funny thing is. I already know that they will be successful. Do you know why? Because they are loved. And, that is all we need. They are supported, they were prayed for and believed in, and they are cherished. My main goal with those boys of mine is to always remind them of the light in their eyes, the good in their hearts, and the power they have to make a difference. And, I don't care if they teach art, go to medical school, write songs, play basketball, or answer the phone for a customer service line. If they are making life easier for someone else, then they have succeeded because that's more than 95% of the rest of the world do. This sweet husband of mine. He is snoring and resting beside me. His mind has been reeling all day, I am sure of it. I listen to his breath, go in and out of his lungs. And, I say to myself. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you as I hear each one. How can I be SO fully devoted and love someone else so very much? How? It's the scariest, most daring thing one can ever do. It's the biggest risk that anyone could ever take really. But I do. You know why? Because, I want to be like him. In every way. Really. He is wise. He is caring, he has the patience of a saint. He is fun, he is tolerant. He respects me and he listens. (okay well, when Pawn Stars isn't on :) He doesn't worry about all the huge questions of religion and God. He isn't here to impress or really be approved by anyone, yet he shines. People flock to him. Because of his smile, because of his ability to relate to anyone and everyone. People like his red glasses and ability to fix anything and everything. He is inquisitive, wondering how to make something better, constantly watching to make sure that things are done as they should be and always knowing the right tone to use when correcting. He has safe arms. You know, the kind good for crying when you've lost all your wit, all your ground. When you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you, there are those arms, steadying, strong, and unwavering. When I find myself sick, throwing up, coughing, with a gnawing headache. He is there. He is finding a hair tie or a tissue or rattling through all the bandaids and bandages to find the excedrin. He is 100% himself. He knows who he is and what matters. He is a dreamer. He loves to think about traveling to Vegas, Africa, the Bahamas, and all other places we see on HGTV :) And, again, he picks ME. Me. The last few weeks, I find myself even more overwhelmed than normal by feelings of appreciation and gratitude for the man he is. That he has become. There is something magnetic about this man, I tell you. When he was the class clown in 5th grade and I thought he was something then....it's just amazing how things have come full circle and he still makes me smile without realizing it. This man, he has seen me at my worst, my weakest. He has seen me at my best, my strongest. I  have never seen his weakest. I have never seen him falter. He never questions. So, you see. I have a lot to do. I have a lot to learn and a lot of loving to do. These boys of mine. I never knew that my heart could hold so much love for another. And, I never knew that it could feel it exponentially return. Parker Jay loves music. Sethie does too. However, at Parker's age, he is memorizing music at unbelievable rates! I mean, it's odd almost. But, it makes me happy because I know how powerful music is. I know how it can turn a sad day into a happy one and it can get you through anything. It makes me happy to know he will always have music and it will always move him. I want my boys to be moved by things. You know, forever changing? Not stagnant. Moving. Sethie- he's such a little love. He is very affectionate and wants nothing more than to be held and snuggle. I think that he has that pretty honest too :) How blessed am I? 2 beautiful boys, perfect. A husband- my answered prayer in every imaginable situation. My refuge, my hiding place, my lighthouse, my anchor and the wind in my sail. I've got it all figured out you see, gratitude. acceptance, and unconditional love. If anything ever separates me from those I love, I believe I will no longer be an open book. I will shut down and there will no longer be light in my eyes. I will no longer be capable of love. Because, I have received it and I cherish it. I know that there's no way I would ever find it again. This journal entry is my entry of gratitude and my admittance of not being worthy enough for the blessings in my life. I am so undeserving and I have a lot to learn about life. My thoughts on love, and life and family. Those thoughts are concrete. They are constant. And, I thank my God for that.